Unicorns and The Way Things Die

Everyone wants to change the world. Some attempt to do so with money, others with power, fame or silly haircuts. In truth, many have gone so far as to trade vintage car parts with the Devil for a shot at winning Superbowl tickets in hope that they could then sell them to feed a starving kitten in Malaysia and, by doing so, provide a starving child with a slightly more filling meal than he would have had. However, I have not allowed myself to be swayed by fashion, tradition or the ever surrounding methods of charitable culture. While curing cancer, battling vikings and finding economical fuel sources are all worthy causes, I have pledged my time...nay...my life, to something far superior. For the last sixteen years, I have dedicated myself to the study of mythological creatures, sacred mammals and the way things die.

After years of endless study, at last I have discovered the reason Unicorns no longer roam the earth. I will admit that my research was hindered by the fact that my entire life I had been taught that their extinction occurred as the result of a tragic tuberculosis outbreak brought to their valley by the giant crabs who lived on the island across the sea. According to popular belief, when the crabs attacked Unicorn Valley, they cut off the horns of the alpha-males and harvested their tails to produce stronger jump-ropes. Without their unihorns, the Unicorn's immune systems shut down and they all caught tuberculosis. Being a member of the salmon family, this caused severe birth defects resulting in their children being born as elven trolls and leaving Unicorns alive no more. However, as so often happens, what once was accepted as fact has now been revised. History has rewritten itself and the world is enlightened by means of my shocking and violent discovery! The truth in Unicorn extinction lies, not in disease, but in their dreaded unihorn itself! As we all know, in 1411, Unicorn Valley was revered for their tall grass, flowing fields and tree-high barley fields. However, due to the famine and people disregarding the "Please Do Not Walk On The Barley" signs, the height of these once luscious fields began to decrease. As a result, their supplies diminished and whenever a unicorn would attempt to eat, his unihorn would stick into the ground making it impossible for them to eat grass shorter than 8". Once the tall growth was gone, all the Unicorns either died of starvation or were eaten alive by rabid wolves while they were stuck to the ground and unable to run.

After last night's interview, I've had a lot of people asking for the lyrics to the songs I played. Rather than responding to every email individually I'll post them here. As I've also had several requests to explain the movie references in Last Plane to Lisbon, a brief breakdown is posted below as well. Enjoy

*all songs are copyrighted 2008-2011 Jordan Eastman Music*

The Devil Wears a Smile

                               

I promised to love you and I did

I swore that I would give you, girl, everything I had to give                                       

And you gave your word that you'd always be mine

For always and forever right until the end of time...but how you lied

I swore that I’d honor and protect

I’d give you all my love and kindness, passion and respect

And you gave your word that you'd stand at my side

Through sickness and in health, riches and when I can’t provide

                   

Now you're gone and I’ve lost everything that I held close

They say the Devil wears a smile and pointed horns…but I can see…

That the Devil is a woman and that woman’s got a hold of me

On bended knee I begged you to be mine

You took my ring and said that you'd forever be my bride

But forever doesn’t mean always to one as cold as you

You walked away as quickly as you swore to say I do

…I see through you…

Still you burn, burn like a fire that erases each beautiful memory

Breaking hearts and stealing desires you consume 'till you've broken each part of me

Still I pray that the fire will have no desire to hold you too...the way I once held you

The Boxer

                         

You were an angel sent to the ground by the Lord in the skies up above

Wrapped in arms with a boxer whose beatings surround but you took the bruises in the name of your love

You were silent and graceful and faced every blow with a prayer- hoping he’d someday change things

You’d bandage your wounds after all you could bare

You took count of your scars with a true soldier’s pride as you cleaned off the blood in the mirror

When he’d finally collapse you would pray to someday be free

You’d say nothing on earth lasts forever - soon I’ll be released from this pain

You’d cling to your bible that lay by your bed saying someday this is all gonna change

You’d cover your scars as you walked through the streets

To the old wooden church where the choir would meet

Where you’d beg to learn to forgive the cause of your bleeding

You were clinging to the edge of a prayer - saying someday all this hurting will change 

He’s still the man he used to be - he’s just lost himself along the way

When he finds his way back home I'll bid my hurting and my sorrow goodbye

Black eyes couldn’t blind your faith and the bleeding couldn’t make hope die

You carried everything, with grace. You could withstand anything…

You were a lamb with the strength of a lion full of grace not a beating could tear

You stood while he broke you down and in response all you whispered were prayers

You thought of the days when you were young and you wondered what happened

When you fell in love with a man who swore that he never would leave

But those days now are gone and he constantly swears that he’s changing

But the bottle’s a gun and it slaughters the man of your dreams

Now nothing he says you believe anymore...
(chorus)

You carried everything with grace. You’d withstood everything. 

He came home one night to greet your goodbye and the vision of an old suitcase 

You’d carried everything but he couldn’t change

The phone rang hard in that hotel room saying Daddy’s driving all over town

His prizefighting days are over he claims that he’s never gonna ever let you down ever again

It’s over - you win - let’s wipe clear the past and start over again

Though your arms both were broken you had carried him high in your prayers

As you whispered goodbye I watched tears leave your eyes as you were freed from the burdens you’d felt

He fell to his knees watching you finally leave every beating and bruise that he'd dealt

He was the boxer, momma, but in the end you won the belt

Silhouette the Sky

                                  

Alone tonight beneath these devil painted skies

Once for love I was protected now for the same at dawn I’ll lose my life

I'm torn back to the memories that I hide

Soon to be erased by gallows where the hangman’s noose is tied

I close my eyes as my regrets play in black and white

Just like a film noir of my life - the devil sleeps with me tonight

As my door swings open wide so soon I’ll silhouette the sky 

Through a deafening sound like thunder above the crowd I can hear my mother cry

My chains sing an eerie chorus in the wind 

To the rhythm of a healthy, beating heart that’s soon to end

They’re singing: 

Step by step, beat by beat, soon this dust will be replaced with air beneath my feet

            

I can feel the sun’s embrace falling softly on my neck so soon to be replaced…

I feel a burn on my neck moments before my last breath

May God have mercy on my soul as I am ferried to death

The judges deafening cry to let this murderer die

I should have hung up my guns before I hung up my life

Last Plane to Lisbon

        

I’ve kissed you half a million times in the backseat of my dreams

And in my head you’re hand in hand with me

I must have watched a million times my scripted movie scenes

Where we fall in love and it winds up perfectly

But a girl don’t need a boy whose name is in lights

When there is someone else out there for her who can come home every night

A girl should never have to miss her man

So settle down with a loving boy and put a diamond on your hand

I wish that I was selfish enough to beg you please

 take my hand and destroy your life with me

But just like Bogey’s classic lines on Casablanca’s screen;

 I love you, girl, enough to let you leave

Still I die a bit inside when I think about your smile

 but I smile, baby, dying just for you

I wonder when you’re lonely do you think of me awhile

 if you’re wondering the same, well girl, I do - think of you

I can be your Woody Allen if you’ll be my sweet Diane 

We can kiss beneath Manhattan stars if you say that I’m your man

I’ll be the bravest lion, girl, if you’ll walk my yellow road

I hear there’s one more plane for Lisbon - let’s go

I’d love to beg you, Princess, to come and be my bride

But we’d collapse like Rhett and Scarlett running like Bonnie and Clyde

So I’ll drink the poison water so you think that I have died

And I won’t drag you through this wandering world of mine

I wish that I was selfish enough to beg you please

 take my hand and destroy your life with me

But just like Bogey’s classic lines on Casablanca’s screen;

 I love you, girl, enough to let you leave

So I dress you up in Tiffany’s in my streetcar of desire

Where you’re the Audrey Hepburn starlet in my mind

But when I awake I paint my face and end it all in fire;

Only to dream again that night that you were mine

There’s one more plane for Lisbon and you’re boarding it with him

Here’s one more last goodbye I guess this is how it ends

Here’s the last plane to Lisbon so I’ll fake a smile as you climb aboard with him

And kiss you softly in my mind  - here’s lookin’ at you kid…

Okay...

As a general rule, the entire song takes the final scene in Casablanca where Humphrey Bogart makes it possible for Ingrid Bergman to leave on the last plane to Lisbon, despite their being in love, as it's better for her and draws a parallel with a real life attraction that is hindered by career paths, circumstances, etc.

Verse II is full of movie references with similar or comparable themes:

'Bogey's classic lines on Casablanca's screen...' - the entire story of Casablanca is about loving someone and letting them go because it's best for them. Humphrey Bogart lets Ingrid Bergman leave with another despite his being in love with her.

Woody Allen and Diane Keaton/"kiss beneath Manhattan stars" -  Diane Keaton stared in several comedies with her costar/director/boyfriend Woody Allen including a dark/romantic comedy called Manhattan.

"Be the bravest lion if you walk my yellow road" - The cowardly lion, brainless scarecrow and heartless tin-man walk the yellow brick road with Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz

"One more plane for Lisbon..." - The plot of Casablanca revolves around attempting to catch the last plane to Lisbon

"Beg you, Princess, to come and be my bride" - play on the title of 1987 film The Princess Bride

"Rhett and Scarlett" - Tragic love affair from Gone with the Wind between Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'hara

"Bonnie and Clyde" - 1967 film staring Warren Beatty and Fay Dunaway based off the life and death of a 1930's era gang of outlaw lovers.

"Drink the poison water so you think that I have died..." Juliet drinks serum that makes her appear dead in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet

"dress you up in Tiffany's" - Tiffany's is a jewelry store featured in the 1967 Audrey Hepburn film Breakfast at Tiffany's

"in my streetcar of desire" - A Streetcar Named Desire: 1951 Elia Kazan film staring Marlon Brando/Vivien Leigh based of Tennessee Williams play by the same name

"When I awake I paint my face and end it all in fire..." - in Jean-Luc Godard's 1967 film Pierrot Le Fou, Jean-Paul Belmondo's character (Pierrot) paints his face with blue paint prior to blowing himself up over the loss of his girlfriend.

"Here's one more last goodbye" - Line whispered by Bogart before bidding goodbye to Bergman in Casablanca's final scene

"Here's lookin' at you kid..." - line used throughout Bogart and Bergman's love affair in Casablanca

It's A Disaster!!!

I had another great interview/acoustic performance with Double D and Bones at 99.1FM WIKD this time in promotion of my own project rather than Hot Riot!. In case you missed it, you can check out the entire interview here: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/13210449.

In case you don't want to watch/listen to the entire thing, here's a two hour interview in 18 seconds:

A series of horrible jokes, Derek grew a pedostache/long conversation where I mock said stache. DD: "If I shaved my mustache I'd look like you know who...NINE NINE NINE!" Me: "That was 1943, with inflation it'd be TEN TEN TEN!" more terrible jokes, played hot-potato with an open metal fan, discussions about my upcoming EP/Tour/real interview questions including stories about bums/nazis/plane wrecks, The Devil Wears a Smile live acoustic, cleverly timed divorce joke/discussions about jumping around on stage, The Boxer live acoustic, explanation of previously mentioned song, Last Plane to Lisbon/Silhouette the Sky. Talk about religion, shameless self promotion, a really long joke about spaghetti, end of the Disaster Show/start of next show, spaghetti joke continues through first few minutes of next show...

**WARNING: the following paragraph contains jewmor (Jew related humor), makes light of the holocaust and contains holocaust related, super catchy lyrics. If you are pregnant, have heart conditions or are offended by such debauchery, please skip to paragraph 23, section a7 **
       Shortly following the show, an impromptu jam session broke out in the lobby concluding with my improvised Holocaust tune "Put On Your Shoes and Hide Your Jews". In my opinion holocaust jokes are immoral Anne Frankly won't be tolerated. Needless to say, by the time it was finished, the entire room was singing along to the uber catchy chorus of, "...put on your shoes and hide your jews - in the wall. Pray to Yahweh they don't have hammers to break it down and make it fall. Put on your shoes and hide your jews - in the mattress; because the painful fact is - sad but true -they're after you - if you're a jew."

---> Paragraph 23 a7:
**WARNING: the following paragraph contains reLENTless witticisms (Lent related mockery), cult references and the use of the words festive, angry, and wednesday. If you have prosthetic limbs, are sensitive to light or are offended by such content, please stop reading my blog and go back to watching your 'Best of Glenn Beck' broadcast**
        Unaware of the fact that it was Ash Wednesday today, the following conversation took place just as I was walking out of the studio: (randomly attractive girl walks out of a student gathering with, what I believed to be, facepaint from said festive gathering.) Me: "Whoa! Somebody painted a cult symbol on your forehead!" (unbelievably angry look from said girl as she storms off) Derek: "Seriously Bro? It's Ash Wednesday and she's obviously Catholic." Me: "Oh, that is today, isn't it? Well that makes a bit more sense then. Before I just felt like I told a semi-offensive and awful joke, now I feel like an ill-informed jerk. That's discomforting."
And that's the story of how I became slightly embarrassed for the first time in my life...

Thanks for a great show guys! Can't wait to do it again!

Je t'aime

"Love is a viscous cycle of switchblade sons and poison girls fighting to die the slowest..."

Meat Hooking With Grandma

I'm laying on my back in the middle of the floor, searching for meaningful pictures in the seemingly ambiguous patterns scattered across the ceiling. I've been listening to Tom Gabel's solo project through the last crackling speaker left in my 1948 laptop. The acoustic version of Random Hearts is fantastic. This record sort of made Against Me!'s seemingly instant leap from gritty acoustic screaming to polished and professional melodic rock make a bit more sense. Good stuff. On an observational side note, band names with exclamation points look ridiculous when used in a possessive context (see above). I booked another radio interview/acoustic performance for next week, this time in support of my own musical endeavors rather than someone else's band. There's something more fulfilling doing it this way; even if the money isn't there. The dependancy on someone else to move a project forward is stupidly exhausting and often more frustrating than profitable. I don't know if it comes down to my simple hatred for the human race or if I just don't like someone else holding the keys to my destiny, but I'm pretty sure that I hate both the human race and anyone attempting to hold my preverbal destinal keys. I'm kind of excited about this whole live in my truck and tour the southeast situation that I've been planing. I want to be somewhere, and being back on the road might solidify that equivocal emotion. When it really comes down to it I know exactly where I want to be; I'll just never willingly admit that to myself as it seems to be the first thing I've ever perceived as impossible. I guess impossibilities are possible. Regardless, it doesn't change a thing.

It's my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary tomorrow...and there's your title explanation.